Well, things did not go as planned at the doctor.
Warning.. possible TMI and sensitive details ahead. For this exact reason, we never told anyone about this pregnancy, besides parents and siblings. So, if you are reading this, you are just finding out. Sorry, but I’m glad I made that decision! We would have told the rest of the family around 10 weeks, like we intend to do next time. Even though I’m making it public, it is a very personal issue and I don’t want to talk about it, at all, to anyone, because it will make me sad. Unless you have recently experienced a miscarriage yourself, in that case, I would be happy to talk about it with you. I’d just rather get it out there, and move on. Miscarriage happens to most women I know, it seems. I try to think of people who have only had healthy pregnancies (that we know about…lucky them) and I think of more who have experienced a m/c. I hate the word. My mom has lost four babies, as well as other women in my family, so it’s always felt like an impending doom. Now it’s here and it’s happening to me. This is my story.
We had a bad feeling, since the spotting for three nights in a row. I’ve had this doom over my head the whole weekend before. Mother’s intuition? However, I tried to stay positive, like I am now. We had an ultrasound done and could tell immediately something was wrong. There was no baby. I was 8 weeks, so there definitely should have been, and I know my dates are accurate. No baby. Only a sac. My heart sank and we were crushed. I was crying, so the lab lady led us to another room so the doctor could come in and talk with us.
Apparently this is a common reason for a miscarriage in early pregnancy. They didn’t tell me the scientific name, but I researched it and found that it’s called a “blighted ovum.” A sac forms, and your body thinks you are pregnant, but a baby never forms, only the sac. The doctor said this could have been from too many sperm trying to get in, so it never fertilized correctly. Needless to say, going from excited to see my little bean and to already being two months in, to no baby, was disheartening. This happens to some women, who go back a couple weeks later, to realize they had their dates wrong and now there’s a baby. This isn’t my case, and my body is starting to realize it and will “officially” miscarry on its own, and pass the sac (ew.) If it doesn’t, I will have to be admitted to the hospital for a procedure, which I find to be more traumatic and awful, so I’m praying that doesn’t happen. It gives some women more closure, but it will set me back.
So, we are sad that we won’t be having a little newborn in September. 😦 However, we are choosing to remain very optimistic. Not to discredit anyone else who has gone through this, because I know it’s devastating, but for us personally.. since no baby ever formed, we’re albeit less severe. We feel if there was a baby but no heartbeat or something, that’d be extremely worse, a different story. For couples who have been trying for a long while, or have no other kids, I couldn’t imagine their pain. We had only been TTC for two months, so we will definitely be able to try again here soon and hopefully get better news! If Kyle hadn’t taken off the rest of the day yesterday, I would have been alone and crying all day. But we came home, played with our sweet precious baby we already have, and of course puppy!
ETA: I’m glad I hadn’t bought anything yet for this baby, but I feel pretty gloomy today. Now I’m behind on all of my business frames and obviously can’t tell them why.
It’s all in God’s hands though. It’s definitely a spiritual matter. It’s my belief that God definitely does not CAUSE these things to happen, as “it happened for a reason”…no. Maybe? We can say that about somethings to make ourselves feel better. But I believe He created the laws of science, such as gravity and weather cycles, just as he created women’s bodies to do miraculous things like carrying a baby for 9 months and then being able to sustain life and feed it, with milk. He created our bodies to know and terminate pregnancies that haven’t formed right, or at all. Nothing we can control, nothing I did wrong. It’s all pretty amazing, even though we never want to lose something or someone so dear. And He always gives us his love and it’s our job to seek Him in these times, to show us the way. To become better people and to learn from our experiences, and to grow closer in our relationship with God.
This is more of a journal, for my benefit, so I want to include it in my blog. It’s a defining point in my life, to definitely be better a better person and Christian. Besides teaching your children about God, showing them love, and educating them, I think the greatest gift you can give them is siblings. When you have no one else, or when your parents have passed, (ideally) you will always have your siblings. Your sisters and brothers by fate, your best friends by choice. If I didn’t have my sister and sister-in-law, I would no doubt be crazy. They are such blessings to me and I want Harper to have as many siblings as God intends. 😉
This blog will still remain “Sevenly Bliss,” of course, as this is the journey for our seventh family member. Whenever that may be, I’ll be ready. Maybe more ready, now that I have a few more months to catch up on…life. It will remain unshared for quite a while longer, but that’s okay.
Have a great day!
Sevenly Bliss 